Hello, Dear Diary!
More whining, MORE, MOAAAAARR!
I am sick. I am sick of studying. I am sick of making wrong moves. I am sick of my studying pushing all the important things away. I am sick of pretending to be the one, who I am not. I am sick of smiling. I am sick of laughing. I am sick of saying OK, when it's not. I am sick of people. I am sick of myself. I am sick of my health. I am sick of my laziness. I am sick of cornering myself. I am sick of guys. I am sick of all the stupid shit the system tries to stuff on my head. I am sick of my loneliness. I am sick of my thoughts. I am sick of not knowing what I should do. Really sick.

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Я просто шлюха до внимания.
Противно, гадко. Напряжение растет.
Противно от осознания неправильности.
Гадко от того, что мне абсолютно не стыдно.

---

Hello, Dear Diary!
Today was a great day. One of the greatest days in this school year.
I was very tired and kinda depressed. So I decided - Life, get off! I need a break. So I made myself a break. Today I wen to the cinema. Watched "Justin and the knights of valour". I went with Nadya. All the movie we laughed and made naughty gay jokes. Beside us in the cinema were only one woman with her daughter. I think we ruined their mood, still I had a great time.
Well. That's not all. We decided to go to the art store. We got lost and walked in the opposite direction. Than I used navigator and we made a big ring about the store. I quickly got cold. When we finally found it. It was pure joy. I bought myself a sketchbook, a COPIC ( can you imagine it!? My own COPIC) - horizon green, if you like to know, dark green capilar pen and some leads from my mechanic pencil. They gave me a glue and two erasers, as a present. I think that not so little treat will motivate me to work harder, from now on.
And that's not all. We went to McDonalds. Those milkshakes are from Heaven, I think. Sooo delicious. So we ate and chatted, and laughed like crazy. It was so much fun.
I had really good time. O-o-o-o-o-oh, oh-o-o-o-oh, it's always a good time. Wish me some luck for the next week, it's gonna be Spartaaa. Hope, tomorrow I will get the energy to study, like the psycho. Well, all for now!
Bye-bye! ;3

---

Hello, Dear Diary!
Today was awful. Not because of studying or weather or my mood. Just awful. I know everyone should have this moments. Still, am hurting.
I guess I need to maybe sit on a post, you know? I mean not like an actual post. But like not eating meat, chocolate, not saying bad words, not feeling extreme joy. Maybe then I'll have my mind in order. Hope, I can make it without breaking. Sitting all alone in a dark corner of my world.
Thanks for listening. I really like the ones, who listen to me.

---

Hello, Dear Diary!
Помимо закрытого ото всех нытья, нужно писать и открытое всем нытье, так что...)
Where is my scholarship, motherfuckers?! I have money for the moment, but still. If I do not get it today, I will be mad. It's november the 11th. Give me some pay for all my hard work. The studying is awful, I am stupid, don't wanna talk about it.
I am going to visit the cinema this week, or next. Don't know. Also I started collecting MLP-figures. Nadya is collecting them too. Much faster then me and helping me with it. For now I have to get Flatter, Rainbow and Pinkie. Let's hope I will succeed in my quest. Today I will have patology kollokvium AGAIN. I studied to pass him 3 times already! And didn't even have the chance to try. Today is gonna be a bad day. And tomorrow. The other part of the week is tolerable.
I can't really stand the way I turned out. You know? I was born on the year of the pig. And in the January. So I am a Capricorn. And my sociotype is Dostoevsky. Plus to all this shit I am neurotic. My character is so bipolar it's not even funny. Like when someone says something not nice to me and I am like:
Pig - Heeeeeey, chiiiiil oooooouut, babe. Be eaaaaasier and don't show this dude something is wroooooong. Reeeeeeelaaaaax...
Carpicorn - Don't forget this. He said a mean thing to you. We don't just forgive him all this. No need to throw a tantrum, just remember this one day, he'll need help and SMASH HIM!
Dostoevsky - But maybe he'll need this help. What if something really bad happens. Don't be such a mean douche. No matter what others do, you should save your humanity and be good. IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
Neurotic - AAAAAA! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! WHY ARE THEY ALL SO MEAN? WHY CAN'T I JUST GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ALL THIS? WHY I AM THE ONE TO SUFFER??! WHYYY?
It's awful when you can't just hate someone or don't give a shit about his opinion. That's why I am so stupid sometimes. The war in my head is to much to bear. Because as result: Outside I am so cool, not taking things seriously. But I remember all the bad things anyone gave me. And my moral code is not giving me a break. So I allwaya feel bad, like I am being an ass. And because all of this emotional stress, I usually throw a fit at someone, who is not even envolved in all this mess. Like mom or Angy, or Alice, or Katya. Something like that.
Thanks for listening.

---

P. S. And maybe. Just maybe I cornered myself with my own hands. You know?)

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

---

Hello, Dear Diary!
Now it's almost a tradition to write posts, while using trains. I am going home, hell yeah. Damn the people, who said the 3rd course is gonna be easy. My ass, easy! They were lying right in my face. Studying is awful. I don't know how much I can take. It seems like loosing my mind. I don't sleep well. I don't eat well. My head is full of some stupid things. Ant the best of it all - I am having emotional freak-out. Sorry for saying it on my not-so-good english. But I am as confused, as cow in the sea. I don't know who is friend, who is enemy. Not anymore. Allways arguing with someone. I need to relax. Started drinking Glycine again.
Well. Aside from whining things are really not great. The Terapy ended with me having C for the test. Amd I don't think that my teacher will give me something higher than that on kollokvium. The digestive system is much more interesting. And bigger. And I still have to study respiration. Too much knowledge in my head. I hope to have some good time at home. Meeting friends, chatting with family. Let's see if some rest helps me to eliminate all the problems.
See ya.

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Привет, Дорогой Дневник!
Сегодня на русском и мало, ибо не соображаю вообще. В общем, пишу тебе с ночного дежурства. Я прошла обход вечерний и отстояла две операции. Я молодец! Я горжусь собой! Я видела удаление тромба из подкожной вены на бедре, апендэктомию и холециститэктомию. Также успела разглядеть субдуральную анестезию и общий наркоз. Было круто, но очень устала. Ложусь спать сейчас. Вставать в 5.30. Пичалька, в общем, но кульно быть врачом и ходить везде, все узнавать. Врачи добрые, все рассказывают, всем помогают. Спасибо им!)))
Спокойной ночи! *3*

---

Здравствуй, дорогой Дневник!
Сегодня на русском, ибо я не в настроении и хочу пафосно поныть. Надеюсь, я с этим не зачастила. Столько мыслей крутится в голове, столько чувств, все это так быстро, резко. Создается ощущение, что внутри ветер. И пусто. Все так поверхностно, так блекло. А я очень устала. И наконец-то поняла отчего. Наверное, мне действительно очень одиноко. Я как бы со всеми и ни с кем. Друзья, конечно, хорошо. Только вот моя душа требует большего. И я говорю даже не о парне, не знаю. Просто как-то все слишком неразборчиво и размыто. Не хочу телесного контакта. Не хочу ни с кем разговаривать. Хочу чтобы кто-то был рядом, кто-то определенный. Но тихо и не касаясь. Эгоистично, как всегда. Вот такой уж я человек. Мозг пухнет, в голове ужасные мысли. Те, которые высленяемы, по крайней мере. А все потому-что не надо выстраивать себе воздушные замки. Хотя, такой дурочке как я, по-другому и не выжить. Этот мир холоден ко мне. Закутаться в свой с головой, чтобы лишь макушка торчала. И сидеть, не вылезая. И все во что-то верить, во что-то надеяться. Мир - не сказка. А даже если и так, то моя роль явно не принцессы. Скорее какой-нибудь левой крестьянки, которая подняла голову к небу, где пролетал дракон. Какая у этой крестьянки была жизнь - неважно. Сказка не заботится о своих второстепенных персонажах. Все бренно. А я так замерзла. Мне бы еще один слой собственного мира, я была бы счастлива. Уж тогда в моей сказке крестьянка обладала бы завидной судьбой, с множеством приключений даже в одной прогулке до колодца. Но разве кого кроме этой крестьянки волнует?
А вообще все неплохо, да. Люблю друзей и семью. Учусь радоваться мелочам, искать чудеса. Пусть и просто увидеть дракона, пролетающего надо мной в небесах.

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Hello, Dear Diary!
Finally some time to tell you all the news. The trip to morgue was very nice, to say at least. We didn't have any problems finding the hospital. I rode on tramvai for the very first time. Hospital was magnificent. So clean and neat. When we came into the morgue building and to the "Section Room", I felt a panick attack. The first thing I wanted was to run away. For me the most troublesome part is taking out the brain. Well, they started from it! I was stuck, and when have come from the stupor, it was like "Oh, already starting, OK!". So I watched it all. It was not so scary, still the smell was awful. I was feeling lightheaded when standing too close to the body we were watching. So I had to come out two times to take some fresh air. Beside it I enjoyed the show and my willpower.
The studying is going at full speed. I fell in love with the Ivryt. Such an interesting language. Though I don't really have time to deep into it. It's a pity.
Well, all for now. Thanks for listening.
Behazlaha! (Which means Good Luck, BTW )

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Hello, Dear Diary!
Quick post about my nowdoing. In a few days you'll get something better, I swear.
Well, clearly alone time didn't do me any good. At least the things are not getting worse. I even relaxed for the first half of this day. Tomorrow will be very stressfull. I am going to visit THE MORGUE. And I will see with my own eyes the process of anatomical AUTOPSY. Not really gonna have breakfast that morning, heh. Also I will have to go to the railway station all alone. At 7 in the morning. Through the dark wood. And the dark field, where we find dead people from time to time. I didn't tell that my mom. Gonna be fun. Also I am going to watch some autopsy in videos. Hope it will help me not to throw up on the dead body. It will be quite unpleasnt.
And though it is all very scary, I am excited! Yay for going to the morgue.
Well, for now it is all. Am going to tell you all about this arrangement!
Till the next time!

---

Hello, Dear Diary! Sorry for the wait. I don't really have any explanation for it.
Well, my life is not so busy like it used to be. Or it is just a vision. Everything is so blurry and I am kinda disoriented. Bad for me I guess. My mood depends on weather, things I am currently reading and my chocolate. So it is jumping as if I am pregnant. I should probably restart drinking Glycin. Can't make myself study anything. Maybe I just need to have some time for myself, all alone and thinking my stupid thoughts. My health is doing some strange things too. Something is wrong with blood pressure. My working hand became sort of unworkable. Felt some strikes to heart this morning. Sleep a lot and can't get enough. Should restart drinking vitamynes. And listen to positive music. Not to Marina and the Diamonds. Wanna go back to summer.
More black honey, more!
And for now I am in great mood. Let's see what magic some alone time and dancing will do to me!
Bye-bye!)

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Кто бы что ни говорил, а дорога в какой-то степени да жива. Каждая дорога разная, хотя в чем-то они все схожи. Электрички и поезда так не похожи. А дорога одна, ощущения разные. Электричка более подвижная, что ли. А поезд похож на мед, черный. И очень густой. Какое-то непонятное чувство безысходности. Мураками наталкивает на забавные мысли. Интересно, каков бы был на вкус черный мед, я бы даже попробовала. В окошке не видно ни зги. Я убиваю внутри себя что-то более высокое, или же тону в черном меде. Так отчетливо его представляю. Однородный, глубокого черного цвета. Не того, которым окрашивают телефоны или одежду. Цвета непроглядной тьмы. Стоит меньше думать о смысле жизни. А весь каламбур в голове прекращает одна короткая смска. Слишком иронично.)

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Hello, Dear Diary!
My mood is still not great. This Friday Kitty-cat trashed our bathroom to pieces. I was so mad. Slapped his butt few times. He ruined our mirror, the beast. I am still shocked. The advertisement didn't bring us any luck, so we don't know what to do with him.
I was being sick, so decided not to visit home. Was really depressed. Now I am feeling better, but due our "Friday Emergency" Angy stayed with me on weekend. I am really glad she didn't left me. Today I am blaming myself for being a woman. And playing with a cat. Though we are calling him Mudak from now on. I can't study at all cause of stomachache. Hate being a woman.
Well there actually was some happy moments. I finally decided to read Seeing is Dusbeliveing by Pearl84 and Truephan. It is magnificent! I am so happy to refind it, that I can sing a song!
Finally, some good fanfiction!
I am gonna die!
Didn't wanna read it at first,
But finally gave a try!
How could I not give a chance
To this beautiful piece
I will take a positive stance
And my soul gonna receive peeeeaace!
Hell yeah! Some stupid rhymes in English. I am irresistible, what can I say?
Well, for now it is all!)
Bye-bye!

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Hello, Dear Diary! I decided it's time for a post, yay!
Actually, my mood is awful. It seems like my usual summer-autumn depression was late. I am feeling like a woman, which will gave a birth in two weeks. Wanna cry. Wanna go home. Wanna sleep. Don't wanna live in Moscow. No more. I am sick of this city. The city itself is great. But the atmosphere is deadly dull. All the noices, smoke, humming all around. I can't stand it! Moody mood, pretty much.
About nowdoing. We took a cat. He is really great. Purring a lot. We are gonna to find him a new home. Me and Angy already have cats, soo we don't really have a choice.
Wanna go hoome.
Sorry for the moody mood.
See ya next time!

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Hello, Dear Diary! Sorry for silence. I wanted to write post on the 1st September, but somehow deleted it in process of writing. Yeah, I am a looser, I know. So now I have time and wish to tell you about my previous days.
Once more I am accomodating to the University's hostel. All is not bad, but could be better. Now we have a cute little freezer, which helps me to economy some money. Starting next week I decided to take a health marathon (now I can, now I can buy vegetables and milk products!). Don't know if I'll be able to complete this challenge due to my health condition, hard studying and power of my will. The latest is the most disturbing. The studying is actually going well. Rides to the bases is not so hard, as it seemed at first sight, but still takes energy. All this time we were coming to Sokolniki's aviahospital. So I went to McDonalds for their delicious milkshakes (CURSE YOU ANGELA FOR LETTING ME DISCOVER THEM). All the teachers are seeming nice, but all is not gold that glitters, so I am waiting the kick to ours butt from someone of them. Ut's been only two weeks, going to campus still seems kinda unusual. All I wanna do is lie down under the blanket and read something interesting, but life is not so pleasurable.
Well, for the best parts. I finally reunited with girls. We are having a lot of fun. Angy is trying to guess my login for this diary. Lets wish her some luck. Maybe one day she will read it *waving hand*. We went to anti-cafe but didn't get to it, so ended at McDonalds. Also me and Angy are in process of making a transport-card. I was so lazy last year, so I have to suffer now. Still am going to get it.
Well, for now it is all!
See ya next time!

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Silence is doing really bad things to me. Silence attracts unwanted thoughts.

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Нагло стащено у Элис

АХ Я НЕВРОСТЕНИК
Ожидаемо, в принципе

Пол: W Возраст:18	1-10 A: 6 B: 6 C: 4 E: 8 F: 5 G: 7 H: 4 I: 8 L: 6 M: 5 N: 7 Q: 9 Q1:1 Q2:6 Q3:3 Q4:8
ОСНОВНАЯ ИНТЕPПPЕТАЦИЯ: ПЕРВИЧНЫЕ ФАКТОРЫ (постоянно проявляющиеся): Доминирование: властный, напоpистый, упрямый, настойчивый, непpеклонный. Женственность:чувствительный, жеманный, романтичный, мягкий, интуитивный. Чувство вины: тревожный, подавленный, обеспокоенный, депpессивный. Консерватизм: имеет установившиеся идеи и мнения, почтенный. Низкая интегpиpованность: следует своим побуждениям, малоконтpолиpуем. Высокая эрго-напряженность: возбудимый, напряжение базальных потребностей. ЛАТЕНТНЫЕ ФАКТОРЫ (имеющие тенденцию к проявлению): Эго-слабость: эмоционально неустойчив, легко расстраивается, pаздpажителен. Высокая суперэго-сила: моралист, имеет чувство долга, дисциплинированный. Социальная pобость: застенчивый, настороженный, робкий, опасливый. Социально хитрый:искушенный,опытный, пpоницательный, изысканный,искуственный. ВТОРИЧНЫЕ ФАКТОРЫ (интегративные свойства): Высокая общая тревожность. Беспокойный, пессимистичный, невротичный. Эмоциональная чувствительность. Утонченный, воспpиимчивый, лабильный.
ДОПОЛНИТЕЛЬНАЯ ИНТЕРПРЕТАЦИЯ: ИНТЕЛЛЕКТ: ДОСТАТОЧНО ВЫСОКИЙ ОБЩИЙ УРОВЕНЬ ИНТЕЛЛЕКТА ЭМОЦИИ: НИЗКИЙ УРОВЕНЬ СТРЕССОУСТОЙЧИВОСТИ. ХРОНИЧЕСКИЕ ЭМОЦИОНАЛЬНЫЕ КОНФЛИКТЫ ВОЛЯ: НИЗКАЯ СИЛА ВОЛИ. ДЕЙСТВУЕТ ИМПУЛЬСИВНО, 'ПО-НАСТРОЕНИЮ' МОРАЛЬ: МОРАЛЬНЫЕ НОРМЫ УСВОЕНЫ ДОСТАТОЧНО ХОРОШО ЛИДЕРСТВО: МОЖЕТ БЫТЬ ЛИДЕРОМ, НО В ОСНОВНОМ ФОРМАЛЬНЫМ ИЛИ НЕЭФФЕКТИВНЫМ ОБЩЕНИЕ: ДОСТАТОЧНО КОММУНИКАТИВЕН. НО В ОБЩЕНИИ ПРЕДПОЧИТАЕТ СВОЙ КРУГ СТИЛЬ РАБОТЫ И ПРОФЕССИОНАЛЬНЫЕ ПРЕДРАСПОЛОЖЕННОСТИ: СКЛОНЕН К РАБОТЕ НЕ ТРЕБУЮЩЕЙ ВЫСОКОЙ ЛИЧНОЙ ОТВЕТСТВЕННОСТИ МОТИВАЦИЯ: СВЕРХВЫСОКАЯ МОТИВАЦИЯ. ВОЗМОЖНО, БОЛЕЗНЕННО ЧЕСТОЛЮБИВ
КЛИНИЧЕСКАЯ ИНТЕРПРЕТАЦИЯ: "НЕВРОТИЗАЦИЯ ПО "NT" ТИПУ!
Гендерные профили опросника Кеттелла 16-PF+ Протестируй себя

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Hello, Dear Diary!
It is time to write about my "nowdoing"!)
Well, I'll start from the August the 1st. It's been awful amount of time since that. Well, my Moscow friends came to visit me! It was so joyfull. We visited my hometown and went to swim in Bogolubovo. I hope, they spent time well. We were playing cards, watched a movie, ate some junkfood and laughed a lot. "Van', would you like me to go away???")))) That was AMAZING! And of course the joke about Malfoy! I still smile, while remembering that!
Also we celebrated my Mom's B-day. I even got her a present and she liked it. Yay! We were talking about family matters and serious things, but I had a great time.
And there was meeting of 104! Fuck Yeah. I was afraid I wouldn't see my precious girls at all, but we had a party. Well, not quite a party, but quite a "туса". I visited loft-cafe for the first time. It was somehow strange. I liked the design a lot, but it was very expensive, if you would like to know.
Yesterday we had a party with Zhenya, Alla, Elis and Sasha. Were laughing a lot.
Nowadays I am stuck with horror-movies. Can't stop watching them. I opened a new fandom of "Warrior-U". It is a comic by Aisha Thani. It is so amazing and hillarious. The jokes are something! I finished FINALLY The Xiaolin Showdown. Jack is a cutie, wanna hug him. Bought the ticket to Moscow. I will go on the August 31st. I am a little bit sad, cause life for two towns is not very comfortable.
Well, for now it is all!)
See you next time!

P.S. Nice song matching my thoughts and epigraph!)

Sam Smith, Naughty Boy — La La La на Яндекс.Музыке